Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I'm trying.

Hello, kittehs.

So, there is a very good reason I haven't written in a while. Not that I'd particularly gotten into the habit of writing on a regular basis. Whatever, I'd been tryyyyying. I'd thought about it regularly. And I did write on paper with actual pens.
Does that even count these days?

Anyway, what was I saying? We're having so much fun that I've already forgotten. Either that or I'm simply getting old and senile. Actually, I recently found out that that is a very real possibility. Oy.

Okay, okay...back on track. So, as for that reason I mentioned? Well, several months ago I broke my freaking legs! Yes, BOTH of them. Holy crap. I know.

Some of you already know that I arrived at the hospital with acute compartment syndrome and underwent emergency surgery, followed by several other surgeries and some skin & nerve grafts. It was bonkers. Though, bonkers is such a fun word and this was so not fun. Through it all I gained an awesome case of foot drop, remarkable nerve pain, and some really gnarly scars. So, so gnarly.

Now, I realize I didn't break my hands and that I don't typically write with my feet. Though, I did once know an armless man who did everything with his feet and he was awesome. But while my hands were perfectly capable of typing, I really just...wasn't. I was in pain and busy with therapy and, mostly, I was frustrated and, well, as it turns out, maybe a little depressed.

I do eventually plan to write or vlog about how this all happened and how the experience has affected me emotionally and physically because it has most definitely changed me in ways I'd never thought possible. And I know there are other humans out there slogging through similar struggles - or way worse ones -and I hope I can somehow encourage someone out there to keep their chin up the way I've tried and failed and tried and succeeded and tried and tried to do.

However, that particular suitcase is just way too heavy and sloppy for me to even attempt to unpack today. So, I thought I'd just take a moment to share something that's helped me keep my emotions in check over the past few months.

What is it? Well, it's totally generic but it's what's always kept me afloat: my old pal music. Good God, I'm a dork but ever since I belted out AC/DC's 'Back In Black' from my carseat, I just knew we were forever.

I've spent a ton of time lately with Hüsker Dü, The Pixies, Jawbreaker, The Dead Kennedys, Ryan Adams, Men, Julie Ruin, Samiam, Aloe Blacc, Tears For Fears, Jenny Lewis, Beirut, The Boss, The Lemonheads, and so, so many others who just, you know, 'get' me.

Oh, and let's be honest ... a fair amount of Katy Perry.
Yes! What?! You totally love 'Dark Horse' as much as this baby and these cops, admit it already.

And then there's this:



I can't even begin to explain what this song does to me. I think I just might be its host-body now because it is definitely a little worm writhing around in my skull at all hours, making my rump shake and wiggling my wiast. Ugh, it even makes me talk like this!!

Whatever. I'm in love. It's real and it's deep, you guys.

And the video reminds me of how much I really, really miss yogahour and dancing and, well, any free movement, really. It pushes me to try harder than I want to and it has actually helped a ton. I can't do this yet...

but I'll be damned if I won't again one day. And I can already put my palms on the floor while standing! Trust me, that is serious improvement.

So, tell me; did any of you ever go through a chandelier-swinging stage? Did you ever hit rock fucking bottom emotionally? Did it play out in some other way? Are you still there? I can answer yes to all of these questions at various points in my life, including now.

Look, I'm a grateful person and I try to keep a healthy dose of perspective on hand should I get a little too "Bell Jar" about things. But I'm curious to know how people get to the other side of depression right about now. I'm wondering if "fake it 'til you make it" is enough.

Because I honestly just don't know.


Ps. Has music helped you through tough times? If not, what has? Please, do tell.

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